Thanks for the gift...

To Whom It May Concern:

We would like to thank you for your excellent choice in wedding gifts. The glasses will come in very handy for beverage consumption. Our Labrador retriever, Chloe, has already field-tested them, and they hold up well in rugged outdoor conditions. Not that we ever expect to throw them down on the grass and roll them around the yard, or chew on them, but if we ever did, we know that these glasses would remain both unbroken and unscratched after a long day of such activities.

You see, when the mail person delivers our packages, it happens like this: She walks up to the front gate of our yard. She stops just outside the gate and then, with the aplomb of an Olympic shotput thrower, chucks the package over the fence and into our yard. Said package usually lands between 5 and 15 feet from the gate, depending on its weight, size, and general awkwardness for throwing. This is how the package ended up in our yard, where the dog mistook it for a chew toy (despite the hundreds of actual pet-store-sanctioned chew toys provided to her for avoiding just this situation).

So not only did the glasses survive the Labrador test, they also survived the angry-mail-person test! Unfortunately, the cardboard box in which they were packaged did not hold up so well. This is okay in the sense that we had no intentions of using the box once the glasses were removed (incidentally, the glasses can be removed from the box quite violently and still remain intact!) But the downside to the box’s demise is that the packing slip also suffered the same fate. And the packing slip contained the name of the sender(s) of the gift.

Since the packing slip was not immune to being shredded into little bits by an over-excitable and determined Labrador, we were greeted by a lawn full of confetti upon our return home from work. And it was windy, so not all of the little bits were retrievable, were we to even try and piece them together. The important thing here is that we did receive your gift, and it is much appreciated. However, we do not know where to send our thanks. Please do not think of us as ungrateful, beverage-drinking ruffians who can’t take the time to send a simple thank-you.

All humor aside, if you are reading this letter and are the aforementioned gift-giver, please see the thank-you card attached below. We apologize for its impersonal nature. Hopefully, you also have a dog, and can sympathize.

Much Love,

The newlyweds

P.S. The dog ate the thank-you cards too when they were delivered. Seriously. This whole thank-you thing was just not destined to happen.