Floor Turkey

December 29, 2011

Def: when your husband is carving up the turkey he deep fried and just as he puts the last piece of carved turkey on the serving platter the massive quantities of grease combined with the forward motion of the carving knife cause the platter to slide off the kitchen counter and on to the tile. The turkey that touches the floor is referred to as "floor turkey." The rest of the turkey, that doesn't touch the floor, is referred to as "edible."

Although if you're me, you follow the old 3 second rule. A little warm water rinse and... Voila... Floor turkey is now edible.

An early Christmas gift, for the dog

December 16, 2011

This is what the dog got for Christmas.

It's 250 Vitamin K pills.  Because she helped herself to a tasty treat that was supposed to be locked up in the garage, where she couldn't get to it:

So what else did Chloe get for Christmas?  She got to vomit and go on a car ride to the emergency vet.  Oh, and of course the $300 worth of pills.  Merry Christmas dog, it looks like that's about all you're getting for Christmas.  Except maybe a lump of activated charcoal in your stocking.

Oh, yeah, and this is the same dog that eats one teeny tiny blade of grass and then five minutes later pukes it up all over the house.  But when you're trying to get her to vomit?  Feed her 8 tablespoons of hydrogen peroxide and she may foam at the mouth but she will manage to resist vomiting with a strength of will you didn't know she had.

Until you get in the car, that is, where she will vomit so silently on the car seat that you don't even know she did, and end up paying the vet $100 to use their fancy vomit-inducing medicine only to come back to the car later and find out she did vomit after all.

But it really was a pretty cool gift as far as she was concerned.  She had no idea what was going on.  This was her night:

1) Yummy green square!  Nom Nom Nom!
2)  Nasty drink.
5) Vomit.
8) Playing with my bone!  

But the good news is she'll be fine.  Lessons learned?  Dogs are dumb, but we are probably even dumber for assuming she wouldn't eat rat poison if given half a chance.  We'll stick to the non-poison methods from now on, thankyouverymuch.


Craigslist vs the Yard Sale

December 12, 2011

If Craigslist and a Yard Sale were to duke it out over which one is the better way to get rid of old crap that you don't want anymore, Craigslist would win hands-down.  And here's why.

Getting rid of your stuff at a yard sale:

1) Poll all your neighbors and friends to see who wants to go in on a yard sale with you.
2) Give up on convincing your neighbors and friends.  Go to an office supply store and buy neon signs, magic markers, and duct tape.
3) Make the signs.
Crappy old filing cabinet but everyone wants it if it's free!
4) Post the signs.
5) Put an ad on Craigslist.
6) Get up really, really, early to move your crap out in to the garage/yard
7) Hang outside all day and be forced to haggle with weirdos and keep an eye out for the shoplifters.
8) At the end of the day, count up the $30.50 that you made, subtract the $8.00 you spent on signs and markers.
9) Go take down all your neon signs.
10) Haul all the crap you couldn't sell back into storage.

Getting rid of stuff on Craigslist:

1) Take a photo of the item(s) in question and post it immediately to the "free" section of Craigslist with your smartphone app.
2)  Go about your business and notice that within 20 minutes all your old crap is gone and you didn't have to lift a finger.


At the yard sale, yes, you came out about $22.50 ahead, but you also had to sit on your front lawn for 8 hours. Not to mention the time you spent making and posting those signs.  True, you didn't make any money with the Craigslist post, but you also didn't have to babysit your front lawn all day.  And let's face it, your time is worth more than that.

Big city shopping

December 04, 2011

So this past weekend, my husband and I went on a date.  Like, dinner and a movie and some quality time together.  It was super.  The only weird part is that the movie theater is in the mall, but it's not one of the mall anchors.  It's, like, smack dab in the center of the mall.  So you have to walk through the mall to get to your movie.

In our case, we parked by the Wal-Mart and walked in to the mall.

Also, does anyone else think it's weird that the mall has a Wal-Mart?

Anyway, as we were walking back past the Wal-Mart after the movie let out, my husband made a comment that he and his brother, Frick, went to a two-story Wal-Mart when they were running errands.  Now Frick had never been to a two-story Wal-Mart, and to hear my husband tell it, was utterly fascinated.

Which reminded me of my own introduction to my first two-story Target.

"I remember when I first moved to Los Angeles," I confided to my husband.  "There was a two-story Target and I was completely intimidated by the shopping cart escalator.  I never did figure out how to use it, so I always had to shop on the second story first.  I could only buy as much as I could carry down the escalator."

"You really shouldn't tell me these things," my husband replied.


"You know I'm just going to use these little facts to make fun of you later."

"But you're my husband and you love me and doesn't that mean I can tell you things in confidence that you won't use against me later and tease me in front of all our friends?"

"Not really, no."