As if I'd ever get a Lamborghini

The Husband and I are preparing to take a cruise for our anniversary this year.  Since I have an irrational fear of being completely disconnected from work, I was reading through the shipboard internet options to see how feasible it is to periodically check my work emails during our vacation, when I came across this polite-but-snarky blurb that demonstrates the cruise line's obvious frustration with people who complain about dumb things.  It's like if someone were to gift you a Lamborghini Reventon and the first thing you do is look at at and go, "Oh.. hmmm... gray?  I would've preferred it in red."  Well, then, let's just overlook the fact that it's worth over 1.6 million dollars and takes 3.3 seconds to reach 60 mph, and focus on the fact that you'd rather have it in a different color.

Not that someone ever tried to give me a Lamborghini.  But you get my point.

SO anyway, I've pasted below what the website actually says about the internet connection on cruise ship, and then taken the liberty of putting my own interpretation of how that really translates out.

What they say:

NOTE: Internet access via satellite is a significantly different experience than high-speed connections on shore. Onboard Internet access is not guaranteed at all times due to the nature of satellite communications, which are subject to occasional disruptions due to weather patterns and location.

Accessing E-mail and the Internet in the middle of the world's oceans is a triumph of cutting edge satellite technology. Our investment into this technology matches some of the most prestigious companies in the world, but even so it cannot be as fast as your home broadband. This is because the data must be transmitted over a slower wireless signal to satellites 22,000 miles above the Earth, which then bounce the data back down to the exchange. At home the data is sent down your fast cable connection to your local exchange, just around the corner from your house. We are continually reviewing our investment to secure you as fast a connection as possible and challenge fjords, glaciers and other grand geographical locations, to provide you with as seamless and consistent a service as possible.

What they really mean:

Internet access via satellite is a significantly different experience than high-speed connections on shore.
Stop complaining because your internet is slow.  We know it's slow.  We're in the middle of the ocean, in case you forgot.
Onboard Internet access is not guaranteed at all times due to the nature of satellite communications, which are subject to occasional disruptions due to weather patterns and location.
The internet has to ping off a satellite somewhere in outer space.  If there's things in the way like, say, heavy cloud cover, then you're not going to get service.  It operates off of electromagnetic waves, not magic.
Accessing E-mail and the Internet in the middle of the world's oceans is a triumph of cutting edge satellite technology. 
Hey, jackass.  Yes, you that's complaining about how you can't stream those YouTube videos and follow your Facebook friends (which, unless you're friends with Chuck Norris or this guy then it's a good bet you're doing something more exciting than they are right now.)  Again we remind you that you are ON AN EFFIN BIG BOAT IN THE MIDDLE OF THE OCEAN.
Our investment into this technology matches some of the most prestigious companies in the world, but even so it cannot be as fast as your home broadband.
We spent a sh*t ton of money on this beast.  Maybe your internet runs at speeds circa 1998 but let's remember, in 1998 the didn't have any internet in the middle of the ocean.  If you wanted internet, you didn't go on a cruise.
This is because the data must be transmitted over a slower wireless signal to satellites 22,000 miles above the Earth, which then bounce the data back down to the exchange. At home the data is sent down your fast cable connection to your local exchange, just around the corner from your house. 
In case you are really dense, let us spell it out for you that THIS IS A MIRACLE OF SCIENCE so SHUT YOUR TRAP and go buy yourself an overpriced drink.
We are continually reviewing our investment to secure you as fast a connection as possible and challenge fjords, glaciers and other grand geographical locations, to provide you with as seamless and consistent a service as possible.
Thanks to all the overpriced drinks you are buying while you wait for the latest People of Walmart photo to load instead of doing things like "enjoying your vacation" and "seeing unique sights you can't see anywhere else" and "exploring the world around you," we can afford to continue to try and provide you with this precious technology to the best of our ability.

Oh, yeah, and we do all this while also attempting to safely navigate a very large vessel through tricky geographical features and unpredictable weather conditions.  But, obviously, the boat part of this cruise is just a side note to you.  Heaven forbid your internet connection gets interrupted.

Why don't we just pull the Captain off of his duties navigating the ship and have him get right on fixing the internets for you.  He doesn't have anything more important to do, really.